Coping with Praise and Blame

on Eight Worldly Conditions namely:
Profit and Loss, Success and Failure, Praise and Blame, Pleasure and Pain

The mind easily moves back and forth between the polarities of praise and blame. They become the reasons for our actions. We want approval and we fear disapproval. This stops us from seeing the merit of insight or the action itself. We are preoccupied with what people think about our actions, and therefore about us. In our uncertainty, we seek counsel from others. Some will tell us to take risks; others will tell us to be cautious. Their advice may help us to clarify a situation, to think of points we had overlooked or their opinions may add to our confusion, but we like to think that we made the final choice. We often think it is the particular issue that matters. The issue itself has a relationship to the perceptions, feelings and thoughts we have about it. We may also have to look outside the condition of the perceiver and perceived. Issues around praise and blame reveal the outer edges of tendencies showing uncertainty, insecurity and the wavering self. All of this ought to be obvious but, more importantly, it helps us find solutions. To remain clear between the forces of praise and blame means

a) being true to our insights and perceptions
b) developing the capacity to withstand criticism
c) associating with those for whom compassion comes before conformity
d) ensuring that our commitment is useful, steady and ongoing.
When we can't handle blame or the accusations of others,

a) we attack back,
b) withdraw
or

c) get defensive.
It is vital that we become aware which of these three tendencies predominates, and arrest that tendency. It may require strong resolutions.
a) With the first tendency, attack, we want to reduce the size of the other person in our mind. We find fault, and dismiss what they say so that we elevate ourselves above them. This often means the exact opposite. In our reaction, we may have sunk to their level or even below them. The intensification of this is to kill someone, to reduce them to nothing. It may not happen in real life but it may come out in nightmares, ugly thoughts or fantasies.
(b) With the second tendency, when we are blamed, we feel hurt so we withdraw. We refuse to communicate, grow cold, detach ourselves or resign from a role. The ultimate withdrawal is suicide.
(c) With the third tendency, we get defensive - going over our positions again and again. We feel misunderstood. As a result we go running from one person to another to gain sympathy putting forth our position as much as possible. It rarely seems to work. We sound defensive. We are defensive. The murmurings of hurt, disappointment and guilt get communicated, while the facts of the matter become secondary.
Nobody living in this world can escape blame or the fact that what people say about us may contain a kernel of truth. If we have developed enough awareness and equanimity as part of our practice, we will be able to sort out the essence from the accompanying negativity. It might well be that blame when heaped upon us has an important insight or perception within it. It would be a pity to utterly dismiss the totality of the feedback. It would block the opportunity for some insight into ourselves.
Anybody who spends time in any role involving contact with others must have exposure to praise and blame. The greater the number of people we have access to, the greater the opportunity for others to express their views about us. Sometimes other's views are a pleasure to hear and thoroughly agreeable to our ears. We would have to be a dead fish not to appreciate such responses.
There are some people - such as parents, teachers, authority figures - who appear very reluctant to offer any appreciation to others, thinking it might feed the ego and be unhealthy. It is important to be able to distinguish between praise and appreciation. There is something distasteful in praising another to ingratiate ourselves with that particular person. To express appreciation enables us to focus on a specific matter, to acknowledge and communicate that precisely and accurately to the individual. There is nothing vague or over the top about it. Such appreciation generates its own joy and is certainly in accordance with the teachings.
Some people in the public eye get so much praise that they claim to find it nauseating. They want to experience authentic communication rather than meaningless babble about themselves, yet they may be drugged on their own self instead of recognising adulation as worthless. Dependency on praise has an insidiously corrupting influence on our inner life, and it can generate self-doubt or inflated views of self importance. It weakens our ability to deal with the non-pleasurable world that manifests in countless forms. Attachment to praise takes the joy out of being.
It leaves all sorts of impressions on the recipient and all sorts of painful outcomes at some future date. Seeing the emptiness of all this is a step towards liberation. Authentic joy comes with freedom from dependency on the views and opinions of others and freedom from self-doubt.

Inquiry

What is the difference between appreciation and flattery?
What is the difference between constructive criticism and blame?
Does the mind grasp praise and blame?
Does acclaim have a relationship to the self?