25 Practices in a Relationship

 

 

  1. A true relationship is a pillar of real support. Such a relationship makes the two people powerful in the best sense. Their relationship encourage fearlessness and loving acts in the world.

 

  1. Acknowledge acts of love in more ways than words. Love is also mindful presence, taking care of the children, the home, garden, acts of generosity, dialogue and letting go. Reflect on the forms of love you offer and the forms of love you receive. They may be different.

 

  1. At times, we need to apologise for acts of our body, speech and mind. Make sure that your apology is sincere. Express a genuine regret at a time when you can make eye contact. Do not imagine you can keep on bringing up the feeling of regret or remorse, no matter what you did or did not do. Do not expect that your partner can keep expressing heartfelt remorse as time passes by.

 

  1. Be flexible. A relationship moves between the divine realm of a god and goddess being together and the human realm of friendship and ordinary life. Both are important.

 

  1. Be kind. Kindness is powerful

 

  1. Be mindful of the feelings, needs and history of the partner.

 

  1. Because two people have been together for years, it does not indicate they have a depth of love and intimacy. Do not assume they know anything about being in a relationship. Never underestimate habit, insecurity and fear of change in keeping a relationship together. Because a relationship does not last a long time, it does not mean the two people did not experience a depth of love and intimacy. Because a person is a practising celibate, it does not mean he or she knows nothing about an intimate relationship.

 

  1. Blame is the virus that destroys love as much as AIDS destroys the body. Don’t confuse honesty with negativity.

 

 

  1. Don’t bring up hurts that are more than a week old unless you want to go on feeling sorry for yourself and wear your partner out.

 

  1. Don’t destroy love by rubbishing members of your partner’s family or his or her relationship to them. After all, he or she couldn’t choose their family member, but did choose you!

 

  1. If someone is complaining to you about their partner, remember it is half the story. Do not just agree with what you hear. Do not automatically take sides. Ask questions. Don’t feed their reactivity.

 

  1. If you forgive, then state it and afterwards keep the lips sealed and don’t bring up the issue again. It is like putting a dirty finger into a wound expecting it to heal.

 

  1. If your partner does something irresponsible or uncaring, don’t keep pressing him or her for an explanation. It is unlikely any reason will seem satisfactory. The ‘offending’ partner may not be able to explain to himself/herself what he or she did, let alone to you.

 

  1. If your partner has a responsible role of any kind, then try to understand the pressures that go with the role. If your partner has no primary role at work or home, then try to understand how important the relationship will be.

 

  1. Know deeply the difference between love and desire.

 

  1. Let go of the idea of working on your relationship. We work enough already. Don’t cling to ideals about a relationship.  Instead, ask within. “What is love? What way can I express it today?”

 

  1. Love matters. Whether you are in a relationship or not is incidental. Do not believe yourself when you tell yourself that you can work better on yourself in a relationship or outside of one. That belief is based on the current interests of the ‘self.’ Love is the issue.

 

  1. Never believe you can change someone. You can point things out endlessly and eventually your critical remarks or outbursts will become destructive. The faultfinder will only see the faults and the receiver of the critical remarks will inwardly withdraw or return the fire.

 

  1. Never undermine your partner’s vision or their roles. If you do, your partner will be reluctant to share their roles and vision with you.

 

  1. Regard the relationship as a powerful force for diving deep inside finding the Truth in the situation and realisation that self and other consists of constructions of feelings and views. In Truth, there is neither togetherness, nor separation, neither sameness nor differences.

 

  1. Take no notice of ordained Buddhists and religions who say that you have to have desire to make love. You need love to make love. Desire is a completely different formation, produces different sensations, different thoughts and stifles the erotic. Lovemaking is erotic. Desire is self-interest. Love allows passion to flow freely while desire produces tension and agitation. Make love! In bed. In the bath. Under the table. Under the stars. Anywhere. No matter what your age.

 

  1. Take total responsibility for everything that you feel. This is a sign of maturity. Be mindful of the words that follow the word “You…” when speaking to your partner. The relationship lives and dies on what follows from the word “You….”

 

  1. Talk. Love reveals itself most easily in the sheer enjoyment of two partners talking to each other and both feeling understood. When two people love talking to each other, love also being  together when they say little or nothing, they truly love each other.

 

  1. The claim ‘I have made so many sacrifices for you in this relationship’ is an ego trip. It is a confirmation of resentment at not getting what one wants from one’s partner. Then you will want your partner to pay for your sacrifice. A sacrifice ceases to be a sacrifice when you want something in return.

 

  1. When a relationship is over, it is often just as hard for the one who ends the relationship as for the one on the receiving end. The one who ends it may have to deal with deep regret later for terminating the relationship and cutting the other person out of their life. Wisdom can mak the transition from partners to friends.

 

 

  May all beings live with insight and wisdom 

 Christopher Titmuss's

  Blog and Websites

 

1. www.christophertitmussblog.net  Dharma blog 

 

2. www.insightmeditation.org Dharma teachings, annual schedule…

 

3. www.christophertitmuss.net  Books, Videos, Audio Teachings ...

4. www.MindfulnessTrainingCourse.org wide exploration of mindfulness, online course...

5. www.anengagedlife.org lists and bullet points for inner and outer change

5. www.MeditationinIndia.org  annual Sarnath February Retreats and other retreats...

6. www.dharmayatraworldwide.org  Annual Pilgrimage in late July in southern France.

 

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